i dunnoe wat i wan anemore..
and i dunnoe wat i dunwan oso..
i dunnoe if this is better or worse..
at least b4 i KNOW wat i wan and dunwan.. so i can works towards it.. fer closure.
but now that i dunnoe, im alil happy cuz i din wan to work towards that situation initially.

i dunnoe wat im toking abt..
im insane.
this happens when u realize that life as uve known it all along is now no more.
that the things u treasure and cherished are the very things that cuz u pain and hurt now.

i realli think recently ive over used the words pain and hurt..
until now its become so much of part of what im feeling 24/7 that it feels weird to sae that i feel them. cuz is goes w/o saying.. from the start of each dae.

now.. i realli feel confused, apprehensive, pessimistic, betrayed and juz realli realli in conflict w myself.
i cant seem, to find peace of mind.
i cant seem to be normal.. do normal things, think normal things..
and not get reminded of this issue and situation every waking hour of my life.
that'z all i can think abt.. to the point that i cant seem to function like a normal person.
my values now, the way i see things, the way i act and react, is a constant blur.
cuz i realli dunnoe who i am anemore.
why did u make me lose myself..
was it worth it fer u?

shit.. im sup to be letting go.
and not get caught up in this again..
move on already..
but i dun like wat im moving on to.
i dun like the new situation..

i realli hafta deal w the fact that u made this choice.
i hate it that it has come to this..
how did i let myself get into this state..
it wasnt like that b4..

huili is right, the onli one that can make me feel better is myself..
but believe me when i se i realli cant do it..
i juz cant help myself..
im realli trying... but everytime i decide to do sumthing.. i cant stick to it fer longer than 2 hrs.

i noe ure trying
but even afta todae..
i still think its not gonna come back.
maybe its cuz the wounds are still raw..
but i think its most probably cuz its lost fereva already.
u did too little too late.

--when did i stop being THE one, why did things change so much--

im seriously confused..
i hate it that im sucha wimp..
that i cant make up my mind and stick to it..

but i noe its cuz i still care fer u so much.
too much..
and i wan to stop.. but its so hard.

i dunnoe wat to think now..
there's definately no closure now..
where do i go frm here?

ive been a realli screwed up mess fer 2 weeks.
and it became worse the past few daes..
i lost everything in 2 weeks and the past few daes haf juz been constant reminder of wat ive lost.
and also constant reminder of wat it cld haf been.

and im oh so tempted...
to be fucking stupid again..
and i AM feeling fucking stupid now already fer even thinking abt being fucking stupid again.
kim, u've learnt ur lesson the hard way..
dun do it.
argh.. but i want to.!

u noe sumthing.. u ARE an asshole.. and u still are.. because of wat u choose to hold on to.
dun ever try to make me think its my fault again..
cuz it was ur mistake.. not mine.
sumthing u shld regret.. not me.
but im the one receiving the brunt of it.
and u noe sumthing.. at the end of the dae.. that question is still bugging me.
i noe if i asked u u wld go on and on abt ur usual excuse..
so i told u not to response..
u juz let me think abt it.. and one dae i noe the ans will come to me so clear that there's nuthing else to hold on to.
like u said.. we'll see.
fer now.. im still fucking affected. i still cant let go.. and im bloody confused.
i dunnoe wat to think and wat to believe and i dunnoe how to behave.
but i noe that even if things appear to bright and cheery,
that part inside of me that held the connection and trust in u have already died.
and im devesated it has.. and im dying to hold on to watever is left.
still.. ure making it so bloody difficult with ur decision, words, actions and juz the way u make me feel. its no longer peace and contentment. but betrayal, constant turmoil and loneliness.
at the end of the dae.. i realli dunnoe and i realli dun understand why u are CHOOSING to do things this way when u claim that im the most impt to u blah blah blah..
ure a fucking walking paradox that's driving me crazy and made me lose myself. and i hate u fer doing that..
yet i still care abt u..
maybe im the fucking paradox.
i need to end this .. repeating this sentence doesnt help at all thou

i wld sae im more stable now.. more confused but more stable.
alot of things haf happened..
some related some unrelated.. some pple noe.. some pple dun..
and i noe i need to STOP whining and move on already..
i noe.. and sure as hell wished i cld..

still.. things can always be worse right? ive learnt that no matter how bad things are NEVER.. EVER think this is as bad as it gets.. cuz sumthing is bound to show up and laff right in ur face saying "haha, u think it cant get worse?! think again!"
and i noe now that things are def not the worst it can be even though its getting there...
but i noe.. 4 reasons why i noe.
1-- the person whu left a box of sweets and a note at my door step
2-- the person i owe 5 bucks to and shares the same name as a brand of milk haha
3-- the person whu din get my smses (6 in total!!) cuz it got cut off TWICE. oh yah.. she likes the moan haha.
4-- the person whu cant decide if she wans to perm her hair cuz she thinks it'll make her nini the auntie.

u noe whu u are.. if u dun.. then it shldnt matter anewaes.
anewaes.. thank u so much.. its because of u that its not as bad as it can be.

feeling desperately alone..
the onli one whu walks beside me is my shadow..
that sentence was true already the first time i stated it on my blog..
i juz didnt noe it yet.

i lost my onli pillar of support and hope.
and im trying to come to terms w it.
at least im no longer in denial.

i will never assume i mean anething to u ever again.
u betrayed my trust in u..
i dunnoe whu u are anemore.. realli..
u didnt lose me.. i lost u.

--when u lose everything--

i cant believe i fell fer it again..
i wun sae i fell fer ur lies..
cuz im not sure wat those are now..
if i said they were lies.. im shortchanging u.
but they were definately not the truth lah.

i noe that now..
and im not thinking it because i wan to.
i dunnoe whu u are anemore..
maybe i never knew whu u were.
but when i look at u now i see a total stranger.

i think everything that uve said abt me is either because u've said it so often that u dun even realise when it doesnt apply anemore, or, u saying it cuz u wan to keep me arnd, so that i wun give up on u, giving me some hope becuz having me arnd is better than nuthing.

i feel stupid fer letting u convince me that its all in my head..
that actually nuthing has changed
and i actually put in effort time and time again to try and see it ur way
even thou ur actions haf proven to me that uve changed.
i cant believe ive been a fooled so many times by ur words
each time thinking things will change and that u are willing to put in effort to make things better. u convince me onli because i let u.
because i trusted u more than i trusted myself..
and u treat me like a fool

well, ive been a total sucker.. falling fer it time and time again.
and its not juz ur fault..
i wasnt ready to let go too..
but im going to try now..
im not saying that i can.. and i noe it will hurt.
but its the onli way..
huili ure right, no one is indispensable.
if i dun help myself now.. i'll never be able to find myself again.

u shldnt haf lied..and u had ur chance to change things.
i noe u will never admit u lied.. and i think u realli do believe u did not.i dunnoe..
all i noe is that i see it soooo clearly now..maybe u juz dunnoe wat u wan

i'll miss the times we were close..
when i tot i knew u..
when u said wat u meant
and when u truely cared.
i will miss having sumone to turn to whu genuinely give damn abt how i felt.
and i will miss the way u make me feel, happy and at peace w myself.
and i'll miss knowing i can make u happy

i believe u still care now..
juz not in the same way..
u care becuz u think u shld.. and becuz u dun wan to be left w nuthing.

well.. like i sae b4.. i rather noe the truth.. even if it will hurt me.
its okie.. cuz im hurting already aneways.
at least then i can let go..
it wld make it alot easier if i knew it wun affect u if i let go..
alot easier if i knew there's nuting to hold on to anemore becuz uve changed.
and i think i've seen it more or less already.

that's why i think its time i stop being in denial and start letting go.
it wun happen in one night.
or even in one week..
i'll deal w it bit by bit by bit..
till the dae u dun affect me anemore.
and it will hurt alot i noe..
and im not even confident i will be able to do it
but at least i noe if i succeed, eventually there will be closure.

its juz sucky that it has come to this..
it could have been better.

-- tell me my dream has came true pls dun deny me the truth--

I am lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you're hurt too
but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love,
what am I without you
I can't be too late to say thatI was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh, so right

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on?
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Ooh, what are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
what are you thinking of

-- i juz noe its not me--

i hope..
at least i can sae that i hope..

everything came crashing down on me in 12 hrs..
EVERYTHING...
i dunnoe wat to beleive in anemore..
i dunnoe wat to think.. how to act..
and i dunnoe how to feel.. anething besides pain and hopelessness..
im an expert at that.

everything that gave meaning to my life..
the onli thing i tot i existed fer..
is lost..
i dunwan to.. but everything's different.
eveything's change.

and being the stupid fucked up shit that i am..
im still hoping..
becuz i wan to believe u.. i realli do..

-- wat happens when ure so consumed by pain and hopelessness 24/7, that u cant feel anething else?--
-- where do i go frm here?--

its been awhile since ive had a normal weekend.
actually, its been awhile since ive had a normal anydae fer that matter..

but like char said, its abnormal to be normal.. so if im abnormal it means im normal.
well.. i hope.
and i noe there's more to life then ure own selfish lil problems
like i said to a fren whu was caught up in problems of his own, there're soooo many pple out there whu do not haf the luxury of having the problems that we let dictate our lives and emotions. so we actually are realli extremely lucky already..
still... although i can sae that to him..
i still cannot convince myself that.

i mean i believe that ultimately if compared to all unfortunate people in the world, of cuz ive got alot to be thankful for.
but i realli cant help but get caught up in my own selfish frivolous problems.
as much as i keep trying to tell myself that there're alot more impt things to pursue in life, and that not everything revolves arnd u, i still cant help but get totally wound up in.. well.. myself.
i guess it is human nature?
i mean.. its impossible to not feel that the world has to be revolving arnd u rite?
if not.. u wun be u..
u perceive everything else thru u.. so watever happens it happens to u.
can aneone be THAT selfless to look past that?
im definately not lah.
im trying to.. not cuz i wan to be selfless, but cuz if i can see this that way, if i can jus detach myself from.. well.. myself, i think it will hurt a hell lot less.
so once again its a selfish thing..
ahhh..

the worst thing is that i cant tell aneone abt the whole story..
cuz maybe if i told sumone that is totally detached from my whole situation..
(it may take a loooong looong time to fill in all the details)
the person cld kick me, slap me or scold me telling me how stupid and selfish ive been?
how frivolous the whole sittuation is and that im making a moutain outta a mole hill
or.. tell me that im NOT making sumthing outta nuthing. that im realli in a fix here..
and i need to try to get over it.
at least than i will noe that there IS sumthing to get over..
or if its frivolous.. i will wake up to my senses.
but i cannot..
yes i can always tell parts of it to certain frens and stuff..
but cant tell them the whole story,
and i hate it that i hav to hide things.

i guess that's why blogging helps..
even though i cannot sae everything out..
it helps me to reason things..
kinda like to categorize them to myself.. and to remind me of how i felt at that point of time.
juz to keep things in perspective.

okie.. afta this sentence im gonna start whining abt my frivolous lil problems which to me seems to dictate my life and emotions now.. so if who ever is sick of reading it can stop here. juz a gentle warning..

i feel like im realli losing myself.. fast.. too fast.
b4 i can deal w sumthing.. sumthing comes along and i gotta deal w e new one.
so afta awhile i ferget abt the old one, i leave it inside me, and they slowly eat me as the days goes by. and there's nuthing i can do abt it.. cuz its too late.

i dunnoe how to be me anemore..
i fergot wat it felt like to be normal..
i fergot wat it was like to not be crying everydae..
like i said.. its been awhile since i had a normal any dae..
i think if there was one dae i did not cry or feel the need to cry but juz hafta hold back becuz there're pple arnd, i wld realli feel weird.
but i realli want that dae to come.. and the next dae to be like that to.. and the next..
i realli wan to not care.. to stay detached.
but then again.. wldnt that be losing myself too?

i realli hate myself..
not so much the things that i do but wat i stand for.
juz the being that i am.. physical emotional mental.. watever..
i realli realli do.
i noe alot of pple prolly wld say that too.. (that they realli hate themselves, not that they hate me.. okie.. grrr)
but how many of them.. when watever pissed them off is over.. when they lay in bed at night or at any random sec 24/7 can honestly sae to themselves w/o any doubt that they realli hate themselves. that see no redeeming factor in themselves AT ALL..
i dun think there are many.. and if u do.. well.. i feel sorrie fer u.
the same way i feel sorrie fer myself.
i never tot of myself as screwed up..
but i think i do now..

i hate having to fight inner battles (totally sounding cliche here) every sec 24/7 of my life
i hate having to reason things out to myself.. keep repeating certain things to myself to make myself beleive it juz so i can function borderline sane.
im realli afraid that if one dae i do not haf the strength to do that anemore i'll juz slip into self destruct mode.
and i dun wan to.. i wan to see hope.. and i live fer the dae that hope comes.
so im fighting.. struggling to keep myself sane.
i stopped hoping to be happy already.. i will deal with being depressed..
but i still wan to be sane..
but im realli tired.. and im afraid im fighting a losing battle..
i juz wan things to get better..

its kinda therupeutic to blog..
not onli it keeps me in perspective..
it distracts me..
cuz im hafta think of wat to type.. and by typing it out i make my tots concrete, and not juz random intangible voices in my head.
but once i stop.. once there's nuthing to distract me..
my tots automatically go back to all those "problems"
i use the word problems fer lack of a better word.. cuz to me they're much more than juz "problems"
they're wat i represent.. and did i mention that i hate me?
its like when im blogging im in another world of my own..
i dun hafta face the problems here.. i onli hafta illustrate them.
but once i stop.. im back to having to deal w them.
but bloggging realli is one of the ways that im fighting to stay sane.. and the most effective one at that.
sumtimes when things get too much, juz blogging abt it makes it seem less overpowering..
like i said.. keeps things in perspective fer me.

i hate being in the situation i am in now..
i hate it more that i onli got myself to blame fer being in this situation.
i hate it that im shitty to myself and i cant stop being mean to myself
i hate being my own worse enemy.
how do u fight against urself?!

i realli wished i cld be detached.. i realli wished that i cld not be affected.
and i realli wished my life took a different turn and ended up anewhere but here.
great.. 3 wishes..
looks like all i need now is a realli dirty lamp.

-- i juz wan things to be different.. cuz anething is better than this.--

see.. the moment i stopped blogging, i started toking to myself, reasoning in my head and its driving me crazy! argh..!

"tonight could haf gone so much better"

i cldnt haf agreed more..

its 315 am.. and im superbly sleep deprived.. highly stressed out.. and DAMN BLOORDY disgusted at wat sumone said to me.. that cooment makes me wanna puke every single time i imagine the words coming outta ur mouth. i'd rather jump off a building, haf my dying corpse get run over by a car and then picked at by vultures then to believe that comment.

why is the whole world sleeping?!
okie.. not the whole world..
juz the pple whu actually bother w me at least a teeny weeeny tiny bit.

i cant sleep..
i conclude that apparently nuthing can be more interesting than counting sheeps, cuz the longer i do that the more awake i become.
u try it..

todae's saving grace--
beach volleyball-ing w joanna.
getting juz a lil tanner.. the way i like it.
good dinner at crystal jade.
good supper courtesy of prima deli..
serious gal talk w jo and then w char (the ones b4 we came back to hostel)

--u will onli get hurt if u care abt the person. moral of the story? dun care lah--

i haf been on the "create blog" page fer abt 3 hrs now..
but i dunnoe wat to write.

juz that things arent looking like they'll get any better.
but im realli a lil too sleep deprived to actually blog abt wat is going thru my mind rite now.
remember.. the way to survive now is thru distractions.

i wan to blog abt farewell dinner and THE event that took place afta that.
but im not in the mood..
i dunwan to spoil it.
refer to eugene's blog fer now..

-- once again.. its times like this i wished there was sumone to make me feel special. maybe i do, but i juz dun feel it, sorrie--

seems like trying to numb urself and deal with issues get alil easier each time u do it.
not that it hurts less.
juz that i seems to take me alot faster.

i wanted to blog abt sumthing so badly juz now..
but i was out..
so i had to hold it back..
but now.. i cant realli rem wat i wanted to blog.
the moment is over already.
this is testament to my being able to deal faster.
i dunnoe if its a good thing.
cuz each time it happens and each time i try to deal with it as fast as i can, i can feel i small part of me inside fading away.
its like ur disappearing from the inside.
losing urself.

its realli sad that i cant be the real me with u anemore.
cuz everytime i wan to tell u how i realli feel..
i rem that i shldnt..
i shldnt cuz i dunwan to make u "feel like crap everydae."
i cant cuz im not suppose to be affected anewae right?
i wun cuz i will be a "lousy fren" if i do.
so i deal..
and its realli sad that i hafta do that..
even arnd u i hafta build that wall.
and everytime it happens.. it stabs me real hard and it hurts.

then again.. it shldnt hurt.
cuz i shldnt care..
i shldnt bother.. but i keep on fergetting..
but it doesnt help that each time i come to terms w it
u make me feel so special by saying things that by now i shld noe, are not true.
it hurts becuz when i ferget i will get affected.
i NOE im not special or impt to u.
so dun tell me i am n then do sumthing to prove it wrng.
its worse.
and if i am.. then STOP doing those things to prove it wrng.
but im definately not expecting THAT.
i noe im in no position to.
but WHY DO U KEEP DOIN THIS TO ME?!!?!
its juz so cruel.

so its like a vicious cycle..
i decided not to get affected, i ferget, so i get affected, i deal, which makes me decide i shldnt get affected. and so it repeats.
and i cant break out of it!!! argh..!
and.. it my own fault once again.
stop being shitty to urself kim! juz remember!

but i realized that its easier to deal if ure distracted.
when there's pple arnd or things to do.
wacthing tv is NOT counted.
like todae..
ab psych visit to woodbridge.
the most interesting part was bridging at woodbridge..
haha.. with realli bimbo jiahui and really suay ginny.
fer a few hrs i din haf to think abt anething..
yah.. so i need haf sumthing to do to distract me frm thinking abt stuff.
but i cant possibly drag my frens out everydae juz cuz i need the entertainment rite?
i think im nuisance enuff already as it is.
and im not saying bein spiteful or trying to hint anething..! if u dun like it.. dun read MY BLOG.

hmm.. its weird that halfway thru this blog.
sumthing happened.
a good thing actually.
the onli one in a long long long time.
but obviously im happy..
im not gonna delete the abve post because i still feel the need to keep it in perspective.

im realli gonna try to remember..
cuz i still care fer u too much to give up.
im scared to put myself out there unprotected again.
and im terrified that im gonna get burnt once again.
but i'm gonna risk it.
and when it's all over and things dun turn out well..
well then all i can sae is been there, done that...
and why was i so stupid!!
but im gonna try being stupid this last time..
frens, pls.. kick me and wake me up if this goes wrong again.

im not okie.. but i hope i will be.. soon.

--its times like this when i wished there was sumone to make me feel special--

i change my mind.
things arent getting better..
in fact they juz got worse..
a hell lot worser..
and i tot it cldnt get any worse.

of all the times.. i needed to tok to u the most now.
but i can see ure busy.
uve got more impt things in ur life right now.
and i get it.
im trying to do the right thing.
but its so hard.
frankly it sucks being me now.
i feel so stupid.. why do i let u do this to me time and time again.
ure the onli person in the world that can really make me feel worthless.
so dun tell me all those lies.
give me hope and then take them away once again.. u nv fail to.
but y do i even let myself believe u afta getting slapped right back in the face so many times b4
its my fault, it always is.

uve made ur choice.
and ive made mine.. juz that ive not been able to stick to it.
im sorrie i keep fergetting.

i was going to sleep..
but i knew i had to do something.. aneting..
so im blogging, to keep me from crying myself to sleep fer the 4th dae in a row.

its not working.
how do u deal with realizing that everything's a lie.
and u gotta learn how to deal with everything again.. from the start.

-- remember!! nuthing is ever abt u. learn to deal. im trying, i really am--

seems like everytime i start to blog i go " so many things haf happened in the past few daes"
but its true..
so many things HAF happened in the past few daes..

and i wanted, needed to blog..
but fer the past 2 daes my bloordy comp decided to not connect online..
it said "error 676 phoneline busy"
erm.. i dun HAF a working phone at home.
the one that's not working is not even connected to the telephone point..
my laptop has a life of its own i tell..
and it decided to take MC fer the past 2 daes.
then todae it magically connected fer me again..

but.. i dunnoe wat to blog anemore..
cuz many of those things are over now..
the moment has passed.
its been a horrible 2 daes..
insomia, loss of appetite, depressed fer no apparent reason, anxious at small meaningless things.
i sound like im readingthe symtoms of a person w adjustment disorder w mixed depression and axiety mood disorder, right out of my abnormal psych textbook.
i can be juz watching some sitcom on tv and i will juz start to tear and cry..
and i DUNNOE WHY..
okie.. i guess i cld think of a few reasons why..
some things that happened over the past 2 weeks..
but i dun think its nuthing i cannot deal with..
ive dealt w worse b4 wat..
i concluded that it is the accumalation of EVERYTHING.. past and present.

but im getting better now..
slowly building up that wall again..
im surprised it took so long actually.
and im suprised that i got sooooo affected by certain things.
but im gradually getting better..
it doesnt hurt so much anemore.
and a really BIG THANK U to my frens whu haf shown their concern fer me during this period.
it reali reali helped noeing that u guys care.
esp THANK U char, pei, janet, ame and yun.
im not okie.. but i'll be soon. hopefully.

so hopefully.. no more drama mama bouts of bawling and depression
but back to simple plain ol boring kim
i realli rather be a bimbo than to think too much.
and ive thought enuff this 2 weeks...
my brain needs a break.
ignorance IS bliss... i knew that i juz fergot.

i wan to be able to blog brainlessly again..
stupid incoherent posts.
about stupid frivolous stuff..
juz to become normal again..
i dun ask fer happy.. juz not unhappy.
pls?

--i dun wan to care anemore. and i dun noe why i did.--

i got thru todae..
im so happy thursdae is over...
been dreading this fer awhile.
stressed over the vball training..
lost my hp..
stats 2 assignment
pretty shitty dae fer me..

but vball training went reasonable well..
while.. onli 4 gals showed up..
it was pathetic i wld sae.. but it was fun still..
fer me at least..
cld be worst lah.

bought a new hp.. same model thou.. cuz i cant let my parents noe i lost my hp.
relieved but painful on the wallet...
still... who can i blame.

juz finished with my stats 2 assignment..
and although im pretty sure eveything is crap, at least ive got sumthing to hand up tom.

so todae has pretty much come to its end..
block supper was fun..
once again.. the KE pple are realli nice.. juz that frequency abit different at times.
but im happy..

clubbed yest at phuture..
queue was horrendous..
and wasnt in the mood to club in the first place anewaes..
but got it thru a fren..
whu was nice enuff to help the whole group of us to get it..
if we queued i think we'll never get it even afta the cows come home.
well.. it was okie.. got to catch up w janet and mich.. which was nice.

however it made me severely sleep deprived todae..
but its finally over.
last thru tm.. then i can go home..
i reali reali miss dumdum and my mom..

a couple of things happened lately..
oh well.. things are changing all the time..
why shld now be ane different.

-- well, im not suprised at how it turned out. at least it was fun while it lasted--

this morn..
i forced myself to wake up at 7.29am
made myself go fer stats 2 lect.

in the lect, justina asked me how come i nv pick up my hp/ when she scalled to ask if i wanted anything frm Mac's.
cheryl asked if i received her sms this morning.
i didnt..
and when i tried to find my hp to check.. i cldnt.
but i din think anething.. afterall, my hp was still ringing wat, justina said.
but i distinctly rem taking it and putting in my bag.. oh well.. i thought.

then afta lect char called justina.
i picked up, and she screamed.. WHY THE HELL IS UR HP OFF?!
things juz got worse from there.

i realised that somehow i had lost my hp..
even thou i did not take it out of my bag fer ane reason at all the whole morning.
so.. hi frens, i lost my hp.. again.. fer the 2nd or is it 3rd time this year?
rem buying my juz lost hp juz afta the CNY.
hmm.. has been 6 mths even?!

u cld sae im used to losing my hp...
but this time i was realli devastated.
the photos.. bambi dumdum and all..
and the phone nos and info.. which i complacently saved in my hp, being to lazy to jot it down.
im totally lost now..
TOTALLY..

thank heavens fer char..
i half ran frm the bus terminal back to my hall room
the moment i stepped into my room
i cldnt stop the tears from flowing..
i suprised myself even by all the bawling.
its juz a bloody fone..
but it signified so much more.
i cldnt feel any better even afta char's repeated consoling..
but thank u fren..
realli..

wat am i gonna tell me dad..
and i realli needed my hp this week.
i hate this feeling.
i hate it that im sooooo careless.

so fer another reason..plus the fact that i lost my hp.
i cried alot todae lah..
i noe.. i need to grow up..

but it realli realli sucks..
so much.
and i realli realli feel like crap.
u juz cant get used to losing ur hp..

wow... 3 blog posts in an hr.
and none of it on my daily activities..
feels good to blog like this.
can tell that im in a supa "lets blog abt how i feel cuz i dun wan to tok abt it to aneone" mode right now.

why do my life revolve arnd u.
even afta ive come to terms with it..
i still blog abt u..
its still always abt u u u..
it infuriates me..

afta all the thinking.. and im still doing stupid things.
this sucks.

its not gonna be easy i noe..
but im gonna try.
and this time.. its gonna work.
i dun care!
haha.. the irony..
that's the whole point..
to NOT CARE.
remind me.

--all i can do is hope things change fer the better... that it becomes happier. thou now it feels it cant get ane worse. so it shldnt be THAT hard.. right? i dun wanna live w regrets anemore.--

this is juz me..
thinking..
havent tot so much fer so long in sucha long time.
im usually too lazy to think at such stuff..
and when it comes to me i juz brush it off.
but ive been forced to think abt it.
and i spent 2 daes doin so.
about wat?
well... juz about life.. my life. and the people in it.
came to terms with alot of things.
things ive been trying to deny.
trying to block out.
trying not to think about..

but i did..
and im happy i did.
cant go on being in denial anemore.
and it feels good to get things off my chest, erm.. those of u chuckling to urself.. no not my boobs.
i guess all it takes is to juz come to terms with things..
i wld write them out here to remind myself.
but i realli am too lazy.
its alot of work juz thinking about them.

hmm.. learnt alot.. and changed alot of my view of things in my life.
i guess when one wans less.. she'll need less.
when one's expectation lowers... she'll be happier easier?
wat other way is there to keep my sanity?!

i like it that i noe im in control once again.
i noe i will always want u..
but i dun want to need u.

i need to realise that the only one whu will always walk beside me is my shadow.
it may sound pessimistic and all..
but realli its not as bad as it sounds.
its a good thing actually rite?
to noe urself.
and i never actually knew myself..
cuz i wun let myself..
i dun wan to noe wat my life is about..
cuz i dunwan to be dissapointed.

but its good now that im not in denial anemore.
or at least i'll try not to be.
in a realli bleak and pessimistic mood right now..
and i dun see ane reason fer it not to be..
maybe im juz waiting fer sumthing to prove me wrng.
but im definately not hoping anemore..
cuz i more or less noe its not ever gonna come..
or maybe.. its going to be gone.
not sure myself oso...

even afta 2 daes of thinking..
im still not making sense?
i guess i do make sense to myself..
but when i try to put it to words it jumbles itself up all over again.
doesnt matter..
bottomline is..
its time to build that wall again..
whee..?
ok wait.. that's onli one of the bottomline.
and it comes from noeing that u dun need me.
u never did.
it has always been me needing u.
i guess..
at least that's the way i see it.
u dun need aneone.
i do.

--nuthing in my life has change... onli my outlook. and that changes everthing.--

sumtimes i think..
am i happier when we were together..
or happier now that we're not together.

i honestly dunnoe.
i juz noe that im happy when ure around me.. whether or not we're together.
i guess the same cant be said fer u.

still.. fer now, i noe i'd rather not be w u.
cuz ure not wat i want now.
neither am i wat u wan.

i guess wat happens next time no one noes fer sure..
pple change
probability or possibilty.. not sure.. dun noe.. dun wan to noe.

but i care.. i do care fer u still.. whether u believe or not.
not in that way anemore
still u've been sucha big part of my life for so long
and u'll always be special to me.



-juz one of those few times i actually let myself think about us.-

juz came back frm the first PR comm meeting fer hall..
erm..
i dunnoe how to comment..
if aneone asks..
it was.. OK.
im still happy..

right now..
i juz feel like getting out of hall..
yunnie not staying over tonight so i got no one to crap w..
but ames and char to the rescue..
going fer tau huey and ames adam rd cockles later..
yay!
tau huey porridge mash potato and soup..
those r my onli sources of food right now..
anething mashed that doesnt need to be chewed..
totally not satisfying at all..

woah.. its mid term break next next week..
time is passing by TOO quickly..!!!
i havent done any work..
i havent been to any SN lects...
and the proposal fer assignment is due this tues..

still i came to a conclusion this afternoon while stoning on the 96..
UNI life is god damn fun!!..
and its been a good one year..
i lurve being in uni..
onli second best to JC life..
which is over...
so im still enjoyin myself now..
im happy.. still.. fer now..

but if u noe me well enuff..
u will noe this happy state if being is not goin to last..
sumthing .. anething.. bad and UNHAPPY WILL come along..
soon enuff..
u'll see..
my life story..

-- there's juz sumthing about it.. i cant put my finger to it.. and i dun noe why.. but its BLOODY attractive..--

i wan to blog..
about alot of things..
stupid things..
furnie things..
happy things..
but im too tired..
and my bloordy cramps are killing me..
and my wisdom tooth pain..
and my semi on off fever...
im a lump of wriggling pain rite now..
but im happy..
cuz of.. well.. some things..
rite now i can totally block off all the unhappy stressful stupid things that shldnt be worth the time of the dae anewaes..

so i shall blog..
abt happy furnie things soon..
afta i sleep..
or attempt to..
lump of wriggling pain thingys sometimes find it hard to sleep..

--maybe it could work out afterall?--

that's our lovely bd gal! my bestie pei!! 

that's me.. being greedy.. again.. 

wat a feast! 

happy bd gal and sharon looking sian in the background.. haha 

happy bd! 

this is wat's left after onli 5 mins 

we love salmon... (actually i dun realli lah) 

hey! the candles are not edible! 

i love u gals...! 

disecting my salmon sashimi.. 

us.. being realli happy 

acting all cute .. except sharon.. sultry bitch.. haha 

wow.. i got huge hands.. haha 

pei and anne.. hugs! 

some how these 2 dearies of mine seem to look more and more alike each time i meet them 

trying to look spunky! 

hmm.. sharon's smile looks forced! 

yummy.. how's the cake? 

still the same afta 7 friggin years of friendship! 

we cant get enuff of ourselves! 

me and pei our birthdae gal.. ilu! 

huh?! ah ma looking oh so blur 

cheers.. ! 

face mask! our prezzie to pei 

first i was thrilled cuz i nv paid less than $25 fer medication b4..
much less $2.70

but now.. im UNHAPPY..
cuz apparently.. $2.70 medication DO NOT work.
i feel exactly the same, if not worse, afta ingesting the medication fer the past 3 daes.
no more medication left..
but my bady still aches, my fever is still there, my throat still hurts and my nose still running..
eeks.. i hate this feeling.

my wisdom tooth thingy is giving me problems again.
yes WISDOM TOOTH..
grow out already!
as if having the flu is not enuff..
*growl*

the orthodontist finally sent the letter..
but i now i cant decide if i wanna put braces..
my mum has been bugging me since i was in pri sch to get braces..
and now that i finally went to see a doc fer it, she's telling me that i dun hafta do it..
cuz its not so bad..
wow.. so my teeth miraculously str8tened itself since pri sch lah.
argh.. gotta decide soon.
if i put it now..
it will last fer 14months .. so means everything'll be done b4 my 21st bd!
woohoo..!
but all my life ive had frens whu had braces..
and all i can rem is how painful they are..
not to mention the unglam part..
imagine ur braces glowing in the dark under zouk's UV lightings..
iew...
watever.. im gonna procrastinate.
until i see a sign. haha

--there's sumthing about this, that is so appealing, yet its driving me away. i wish i knew why--

first i was thrilled cuz i nv paid less than $25 fer medication b4..
much less $2.70

but now.. im UNHAPPY..
cuz apparently.. $2.70 medication DO NOT work.
i feel exactly the same, if not worse, afta ingesting the medication fer the past 3 daes.
no more medication left..
but my bady still aches, my fever is still there, my throat still hurts and my nose still running..
eeks.. i hate this feeling.

my wisdom tooth thingy is giving me problems again.
yes WISDOM TOOTH..
grow out already!
as if having the flu is not enuff..
*growl*

the orthodontist finally sent the letter..
but i now i cant decide if i wanna put braces..
my mum has been bugging me since i was in pri sch to get braces..
and now that i finally went to see a doc fer it, she's telling me that i dun hafta do it..
cuz its not so bad..
wow.. so my teeth miraculously str8tened itself since pri sch lah.
argh.. gotta decide soon.
if i put it now..
it will last fer 14months .. so means everything'll be done b4 my 21st bd!
woohoo..!
but all my life ive had frens whu had braces..
and all i can rem is how painful they are..
not to mention the unglam part..
imagine ur braces glowing in the dark under zouk's UV lightings..
iew...
watever.. im gonna procrastinate.
until i see a sign. haha

--there's sumthing about this, that is so appealing, yet its driving me away. i wish i knew why--

i hate being sick..
esp in uni..
cuz there's no such thing as MC then dun need to go to sch..

worse.. why am i sick?!
first nose bleed fer no reason..
i nv had a nose bleed in my life..
and i always tot its weird how pple get it.
then i wake up w a horribly sore throat, fever, headache, body aches and red eye.
now got block nose and running nose.
and i JUZ recovered from cold 2 weeks ago.

i hate feelng so horrible...
and yes i know people got bigger problems,
but right now im feeling soooo horrible i feel the incessant need to whine.

interview thingy tonight..
great..

-- people will always want wat they cant get.. so wat happens once uve got it?--

epiphany(s)
1-- Jia the Hui is A BIMBO.. its fun to bridge w her... as long as ure not her partner..
she loses w realli good cards...*scratches head*
2-- Ames hp can take multiple shots at one click.. wow.. totally hilarious..
whu can look so good in 9 consecutive shot besides urs truely me...
3-- some things that cost $10,000 can be aquired at $8 and if ure realli lucky? at no cost at all..
4-- my stomach is an insatiable bottomless pit.. (okie.. so that one we ALL noe already)
5-- onli buy jeans from FCUK from now one..
6-- netball alone is not enuff to burn off the 5 cup noodles i down per week
7-- i miss amalina..

okie.. my eye hurts so much now i wish i cld juz juz dig them outta they're sockets..
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*