im seriously confused..
i hate it that im sucha wimp..
that i cant make up my mind and stick to it..

but i noe its cuz i still care fer u so much.
too much..
and i wan to stop.. but its so hard.

i dunnoe wat to think now..
there's definately no closure now..
where do i go frm here?

ive been a realli screwed up mess fer 2 weeks.
and it became worse the past few daes..
i lost everything in 2 weeks and the past few daes haf juz been constant reminder of wat ive lost.
and also constant reminder of wat it cld haf been.

and im oh so tempted...
to be fucking stupid again..
and i AM feeling fucking stupid now already fer even thinking abt being fucking stupid again.
kim, u've learnt ur lesson the hard way..
dun do it.
argh.. but i want to.!

u noe sumthing.. u ARE an asshole.. and u still are.. because of wat u choose to hold on to.
dun ever try to make me think its my fault again..
cuz it was ur mistake.. not mine.
sumthing u shld regret.. not me.
but im the one receiving the brunt of it.
and u noe sumthing.. at the end of the dae.. that question is still bugging me.
i noe if i asked u u wld go on and on abt ur usual excuse..
so i told u not to response..
u juz let me think abt it.. and one dae i noe the ans will come to me so clear that there's nuthing else to hold on to.
like u said.. we'll see.
fer now.. im still fucking affected. i still cant let go.. and im bloody confused.
i dunnoe wat to think and wat to believe and i dunnoe how to behave.
but i noe that even if things appear to bright and cheery,
that part inside of me that held the connection and trust in u have already died.
and im devesated it has.. and im dying to hold on to watever is left.
still.. ure making it so bloody difficult with ur decision, words, actions and juz the way u make me feel. its no longer peace and contentment. but betrayal, constant turmoil and loneliness.
at the end of the dae.. i realli dunnoe and i realli dun understand why u are CHOOSING to do things this way when u claim that im the most impt to u blah blah blah..
ure a fucking walking paradox that's driving me crazy and made me lose myself. and i hate u fer doing that..
yet i still care abt u..
maybe im the fucking paradox.
i need to end this .. repeating this sentence doesnt help at all thou

i wld sae im more stable now.. more confused but more stable.
alot of things haf happened..
some related some unrelated.. some pple noe.. some pple dun..
and i noe i need to STOP whining and move on already..
i noe.. and sure as hell wished i cld..

still.. things can always be worse right? ive learnt that no matter how bad things are NEVER.. EVER think this is as bad as it gets.. cuz sumthing is bound to show up and laff right in ur face saying "haha, u think it cant get worse?! think again!"
and i noe now that things are def not the worst it can be even though its getting there...
but i noe.. 4 reasons why i noe.
1-- the person whu left a box of sweets and a note at my door step
2-- the person i owe 5 bucks to and shares the same name as a brand of milk haha
3-- the person whu din get my smses (6 in total!!) cuz it got cut off TWICE. oh yah.. she likes the moan haha.
4-- the person whu cant decide if she wans to perm her hair cuz she thinks it'll make her nini the auntie.

u noe whu u are.. if u dun.. then it shldnt matter anewaes.
anewaes.. thank u so much.. its because of u that its not as bad as it can be.