its been awhile since ive had a normal weekend.
actually, its been awhile since ive had a normal anydae fer that matter..

but like char said, its abnormal to be normal.. so if im abnormal it means im normal.
well.. i hope.
and i noe there's more to life then ure own selfish lil problems
like i said to a fren whu was caught up in problems of his own, there're soooo many pple out there whu do not haf the luxury of having the problems that we let dictate our lives and emotions. so we actually are realli extremely lucky already..
still... although i can sae that to him..
i still cannot convince myself that.

i mean i believe that ultimately if compared to all unfortunate people in the world, of cuz ive got alot to be thankful for.
but i realli cant help but get caught up in my own selfish frivolous problems.
as much as i keep trying to tell myself that there're alot more impt things to pursue in life, and that not everything revolves arnd u, i still cant help but get totally wound up in.. well.. myself.
i guess it is human nature?
i mean.. its impossible to not feel that the world has to be revolving arnd u rite?
if not.. u wun be u..
u perceive everything else thru u.. so watever happens it happens to u.
can aneone be THAT selfless to look past that?
im definately not lah.
im trying to.. not cuz i wan to be selfless, but cuz if i can see this that way, if i can jus detach myself from.. well.. myself, i think it will hurt a hell lot less.
so once again its a selfish thing..
ahhh..

the worst thing is that i cant tell aneone abt the whole story..
cuz maybe if i told sumone that is totally detached from my whole situation..
(it may take a loooong looong time to fill in all the details)
the person cld kick me, slap me or scold me telling me how stupid and selfish ive been?
how frivolous the whole sittuation is and that im making a moutain outta a mole hill
or.. tell me that im NOT making sumthing outta nuthing. that im realli in a fix here..
and i need to try to get over it.
at least than i will noe that there IS sumthing to get over..
or if its frivolous.. i will wake up to my senses.
but i cannot..
yes i can always tell parts of it to certain frens and stuff..
but cant tell them the whole story,
and i hate it that i hav to hide things.

i guess that's why blogging helps..
even though i cannot sae everything out..
it helps me to reason things..
kinda like to categorize them to myself.. and to remind me of how i felt at that point of time.
juz to keep things in perspective.

okie.. afta this sentence im gonna start whining abt my frivolous lil problems which to me seems to dictate my life and emotions now.. so if who ever is sick of reading it can stop here. juz a gentle warning..

i feel like im realli losing myself.. fast.. too fast.
b4 i can deal w sumthing.. sumthing comes along and i gotta deal w e new one.
so afta awhile i ferget abt the old one, i leave it inside me, and they slowly eat me as the days goes by. and there's nuthing i can do abt it.. cuz its too late.

i dunnoe how to be me anemore..
i fergot wat it felt like to be normal..
i fergot wat it was like to not be crying everydae..
like i said.. its been awhile since i had a normal any dae..
i think if there was one dae i did not cry or feel the need to cry but juz hafta hold back becuz there're pple arnd, i wld realli feel weird.
but i realli want that dae to come.. and the next dae to be like that to.. and the next..
i realli wan to not care.. to stay detached.
but then again.. wldnt that be losing myself too?

i realli hate myself..
not so much the things that i do but wat i stand for.
juz the being that i am.. physical emotional mental.. watever..
i realli realli do.
i noe alot of pple prolly wld say that too.. (that they realli hate themselves, not that they hate me.. okie.. grrr)
but how many of them.. when watever pissed them off is over.. when they lay in bed at night or at any random sec 24/7 can honestly sae to themselves w/o any doubt that they realli hate themselves. that see no redeeming factor in themselves AT ALL..
i dun think there are many.. and if u do.. well.. i feel sorrie fer u.
the same way i feel sorrie fer myself.
i never tot of myself as screwed up..
but i think i do now..

i hate having to fight inner battles (totally sounding cliche here) every sec 24/7 of my life
i hate having to reason things out to myself.. keep repeating certain things to myself to make myself beleive it juz so i can function borderline sane.
im realli afraid that if one dae i do not haf the strength to do that anemore i'll juz slip into self destruct mode.
and i dun wan to.. i wan to see hope.. and i live fer the dae that hope comes.
so im fighting.. struggling to keep myself sane.
i stopped hoping to be happy already.. i will deal with being depressed..
but i still wan to be sane..
but im realli tired.. and im afraid im fighting a losing battle..
i juz wan things to get better..

its kinda therupeutic to blog..
not onli it keeps me in perspective..
it distracts me..
cuz im hafta think of wat to type.. and by typing it out i make my tots concrete, and not juz random intangible voices in my head.
but once i stop.. once there's nuthing to distract me..
my tots automatically go back to all those "problems"
i use the word problems fer lack of a better word.. cuz to me they're much more than juz "problems"
they're wat i represent.. and did i mention that i hate me?
its like when im blogging im in another world of my own..
i dun hafta face the problems here.. i onli hafta illustrate them.
but once i stop.. im back to having to deal w them.
but bloggging realli is one of the ways that im fighting to stay sane.. and the most effective one at that.
sumtimes when things get too much, juz blogging abt it makes it seem less overpowering..
like i said.. keeps things in perspective fer me.

i hate being in the situation i am in now..
i hate it more that i onli got myself to blame fer being in this situation.
i hate it that im shitty to myself and i cant stop being mean to myself
i hate being my own worse enemy.
how do u fight against urself?!

i realli wished i cld be detached.. i realli wished that i cld not be affected.
and i realli wished my life took a different turn and ended up anewhere but here.
great.. 3 wishes..
looks like all i need now is a realli dirty lamp.

-- i juz wan things to be different.. cuz anething is better than this.--

see.. the moment i stopped blogging, i started toking to myself, reasoning in my head and its driving me crazy! argh..!