seems like trying to numb urself and deal with issues get alil easier each time u do it.
not that it hurts less.
juz that i seems to take me alot faster.

i wanted to blog abt sumthing so badly juz now..
but i was out..
so i had to hold it back..
but now.. i cant realli rem wat i wanted to blog.
the moment is over already.
this is testament to my being able to deal faster.
i dunnoe if its a good thing.
cuz each time it happens and each time i try to deal with it as fast as i can, i can feel i small part of me inside fading away.
its like ur disappearing from the inside.
losing urself.

its realli sad that i cant be the real me with u anemore.
cuz everytime i wan to tell u how i realli feel..
i rem that i shldnt..
i shldnt cuz i dunwan to make u "feel like crap everydae."
i cant cuz im not suppose to be affected anewae right?
i wun cuz i will be a "lousy fren" if i do.
so i deal..
and its realli sad that i hafta do that..
even arnd u i hafta build that wall.
and everytime it happens.. it stabs me real hard and it hurts.

then again.. it shldnt hurt.
cuz i shldnt care..
i shldnt bother.. but i keep on fergetting..
but it doesnt help that each time i come to terms w it
u make me feel so special by saying things that by now i shld noe, are not true.
it hurts becuz when i ferget i will get affected.
i NOE im not special or impt to u.
so dun tell me i am n then do sumthing to prove it wrng.
its worse.
and if i am.. then STOP doing those things to prove it wrng.
but im definately not expecting THAT.
i noe im in no position to.
but WHY DO U KEEP DOIN THIS TO ME?!!?!
its juz so cruel.

so its like a vicious cycle..
i decided not to get affected, i ferget, so i get affected, i deal, which makes me decide i shldnt get affected. and so it repeats.
and i cant break out of it!!! argh..!
and.. it my own fault once again.
stop being shitty to urself kim! juz remember!

but i realized that its easier to deal if ure distracted.
when there's pple arnd or things to do.
wacthing tv is NOT counted.
like todae..
ab psych visit to woodbridge.
the most interesting part was bridging at woodbridge..
haha.. with realli bimbo jiahui and really suay ginny.
fer a few hrs i din haf to think abt anething..
yah.. so i need haf sumthing to do to distract me frm thinking abt stuff.
but i cant possibly drag my frens out everydae juz cuz i need the entertainment rite?
i think im nuisance enuff already as it is.
and im not saying bein spiteful or trying to hint anething..! if u dun like it.. dun read MY BLOG.

hmm.. its weird that halfway thru this blog.
sumthing happened.
a good thing actually.
the onli one in a long long long time.
but obviously im happy..
im not gonna delete the abve post because i still feel the need to keep it in perspective.

im realli gonna try to remember..
cuz i still care fer u too much to give up.
im scared to put myself out there unprotected again.
and im terrified that im gonna get burnt once again.
but i'm gonna risk it.
and when it's all over and things dun turn out well..
well then all i can sae is been there, done that...
and why was i so stupid!!
but im gonna try being stupid this last time..
frens, pls.. kick me and wake me up if this goes wrong again.

im not okie.. but i hope i will be.. soon.

--its times like this when i wished there was sumone to make me feel special--