this is juz me..
thinking..
havent tot so much fer so long in sucha long time.
im usually too lazy to think at such stuff..
and when it comes to me i juz brush it off.
but ive been forced to think abt it.
and i spent 2 daes doin so.
about wat?
well... juz about life.. my life. and the people in it.
came to terms with alot of things.
things ive been trying to deny.
trying to block out.
trying not to think about..

but i did..
and im happy i did.
cant go on being in denial anemore.
and it feels good to get things off my chest, erm.. those of u chuckling to urself.. no not my boobs.
i guess all it takes is to juz come to terms with things..
i wld write them out here to remind myself.
but i realli am too lazy.
its alot of work juz thinking about them.

hmm.. learnt alot.. and changed alot of my view of things in my life.
i guess when one wans less.. she'll need less.
when one's expectation lowers... she'll be happier easier?
wat other way is there to keep my sanity?!

i like it that i noe im in control once again.
i noe i will always want u..
but i dun want to need u.

i need to realise that the only one whu will always walk beside me is my shadow.
it may sound pessimistic and all..
but realli its not as bad as it sounds.
its a good thing actually rite?
to noe urself.
and i never actually knew myself..
cuz i wun let myself..
i dun wan to noe wat my life is about..
cuz i dunwan to be dissapointed.

but its good now that im not in denial anemore.
or at least i'll try not to be.
in a realli bleak and pessimistic mood right now..
and i dun see ane reason fer it not to be..
maybe im juz waiting fer sumthing to prove me wrng.
but im definately not hoping anemore..
cuz i more or less noe its not ever gonna come..
or maybe.. its going to be gone.
not sure myself oso...

even afta 2 daes of thinking..
im still not making sense?
i guess i do make sense to myself..
but when i try to put it to words it jumbles itself up all over again.
doesnt matter..
bottomline is..
its time to build that wall again..
whee..?
ok wait.. that's onli one of the bottomline.
and it comes from noeing that u dun need me.
u never did.
it has always been me needing u.
i guess..
at least that's the way i see it.
u dun need aneone.
i do.

--nuthing in my life has change... onli my outlook. and that changes everthing.--