i dun even noe if im pissed off, hurt or whatever...
but i noe for sure im confused.

wat the hell
so i did ask u before i went on to"blow"
but it wasnt even blowing!
i read through again, its more like pleading?

why do u have to respond to me in that tone?
as if ur actions hasnt caused me enough irreversible distress..
and it stilll is
im pleading with u..
giving in
letting go..
telling u ur actions hurt..
and yet u respond by attacking me..
why?!
i dun get it
wat the hell..
why must u respond in such a mean manner..
seriously.. i just dun get it..
am i realli being sensitive.
should i not get affected by it.
but already i am hurt by ur actions.. i try to not be over sensitive so i asked.. but i realli do think ur response was uncalled for.
way to go..
making someone who is already hurt even more hurt.
and wat did i say?!?! i realli dun get it.
tell me
maybe ure right..
there's no point talking about it anymore.
uve obviously moved on and was not the least bit bothered by it in the first place.
so why am i still wasting my efforts on it
i dunnoe why u bother to act like u care when u dun.
i dun get it.
right.. move on kim move on

wat u took 4 years to get over i think ive pretty much covered in 4 months
but hell was it a crash course.
its not over yet.. i noe i'll relapse
but each relapse gets easier and easier to handle
faster to get over
and i learn new ways new thinking that helps
and it kinda motivates me to do better.
to live better
to be happier.
its not easy and its not fun
its a hell lot of tears and mental effort and it tires me out..
emotionally and physically
its like im in therapy..
i'd still rather it didnt happen
but im hoping that it will be a blessing in disguise eventually.

at first i was pissed..
then i was hurt and fighting to not lose us
then i was just severely self pitying and wallowing and being totaly hurt wo the strength to fight for it anymore
then i just gave up and tried to help myself

it got better but than the mourning for the loss came back.. bad
i wondered how i was goin to go on wo it
then i picked myself up and decided i could
now im just hurt about the way u handled it and upset in a sentimental i miss it way.
i guess its a curve.. growing up curve

i guess for 4 years i was happy and lucky
but at the same time i was never contented
i alwasy knew this had to happen
i just didnt have the balls to make it happen
now that it just hit me out of nowhere i guess i was forced to take it
it couls have been handled better
u are an ass.
and i'll prolly spend a long long time trying to let go of that.
but i will
for myself.
for not crying to sleep and waking up to tears
for not wanted to wallow in self pity
for wanting to grow up
for wat i always wanted..
a change.. new begginnings.. wat u could never have fulfilled in my life.

it was special.
and will always be special
but i refuse to be tied down by its "speciality"
i had it, i cherished it, i enjoyed it, i wanted it to change, i mourned its loss and now i will miss it.
but most imptly.. i'll enjoy wats left of it and move on.. good or bad.
i need to rem.. THIS IS WAT I WANTED.

- just keep swimming -