call me soon pls call me..
i realli want to get into police now more than ever.
i want to just go into that training camp for nine months.
go into the hectic crazy busy 12 hour shifts everyone is dreading
just totally lose myself in something new, fresh, apart from whatever is goin on in my life now.
having no time to do anything, to meet anyone, to hurt.

i need a clean break. a new start.
even if it means following in my mum's footsteps.
just burying myself in work, busying myself and convincing myself that work is most impt.
i told myself before, many many times that i will never want to be like my mum
to see her, me as a nine year old, bury herself in the mediocrity of work.
numbing herself to everything around her, her cheating husband, her friends, me.
i realize now what little choice she had
and what little choice i have
it almost seems like a refuge.

i will cont to try and just accept the things a cant change.
but im done fighting for those i noe i can.
im just too weak.
i dunnoe wat to do now
i realli am just lost
i have tried everything just to not hurt anymore.
given up, given in, denial, distortion, just plain accepting all the shit thrown at me and try to see the good in it.
but it just keeps coming
i hide it so desperately, but its there.
and its eating me up
this is exactly what i told myself i wouldnt be
i will never let this happen to me
i tried so hard to avoid this
onli to fall so hard and fast into it.
its almost funny.

all the drama. ha ha ha

- broken -