it amazing how everything can just go wrong so suddenly.
one moment im happy and hopeful and i think i actually belived that it was goin to get better
but even then i had this nagging feeling at the back of mind telling me that this could all disappear in a moment's notice.. or wo.
i guess i always knew.. story of my life, im almost expecting it already.

and its ok
its goin to be okie this time
with u- im not goin back to last time. im not goin to let u get me down like before. it hurts. it stil hurts like fuck, but this time im not goin to let it get out of hand. it took me so bloody long to get back on track.. well semi on track. and im quite amazed i did. and i noe, if it got to be like before again.. i may not climb back up. and i dun wan to go there. but it stil hurts.. and it will cont to. i cant just forget how it used to be or pretend i dun need that. i need that. and i need u. but all u do is put me down. right now, i realize that wat i want is the past not the u now. the u now can and will only make my life worse. thats all u do. and i cant take another blow. i cant go back there. i wont survive it. and u dun care about all that. i have to care about myself now. i have to make sure it doesnt go there. cuz u.. u will just let it happen all again.. u will never actually care wat happens to me. i noe that now.. the hard way.
with u- i cant belive u kicked me when im down. and i cant believe i let it happen. i cant belive u would do this to me also. to pick myself up form one blow only to put myself up for another. but its not too late. it hurts of cuz.. but i can stil walk away from it. with a few bruises and scrapes, but i can walk away. i just didnt want to walk away. i wanted to belive u, i wanted to stay. but im not goin to make the same mistake again. im done with the both of u, DONE. U dun care about how i feel, what happens to me, if i hurt. its always just wat u feel. and i cant live with that. i dun wan to. i dun need that. and i noe.. i cant take another blow. i have to look out for myself. i have to care about myself. i dunnoe how.. i never had to and i guess i just hoped that u would do it for me. and i thought u did. but i noe better now. its okie. its not ur obligation to care. its no one.

i noe that now. i guess its late.. but hopefully its not too late for me to grow up and grow smart. i need to rem.. REM that nobody cares. people care about themselves.. period. no matter what they say or do or promise, NEVER EVER TRUST. its always only goin to be u and urself. i never believed that, i never wanted to. but i have to. if only just to survive. i dun noe if i can. i dun think i can. but i can try. i dunnoe how and i dunwan to to rely on myself. but how did i get here in the first place... cuz of lies and naivity. well no more. 24 is alil late. but better late than never. i have had rose colored shades on for sometime now. its been almost a fairytale land ive been living in. i never had to solve my own problems, earn my own money, do my own work. it couldnt have lasted forever. but who said i couldnt hope.

its me. the problem is me.
it has to be right.
ive just been too spoilt, too immature, too blind, too stupid, too irresponsible, too lazy...
i just never had to work for anything in my life.
never felt anything was worth it
always felt entitled
always felt that the world owed me
made too many excuses for myself
and i guess having people around me that perpetuate that, protected me from the real probs outside just did me more harm and good.
im sure thats what u think.
and i agree.. it could be true.
but it doesnt make u or u any less of an ass.
at least i am trying to see my mistakes and im trying to change to let go.
what the hell have u done?
oh and im sure its cuz ure always right so theres nuthing for u to change anyways right.
sure.

- finally, rain -